


Day 5 (Kissing) (AKA: The Kiss Test)

by chucksauce



Series: 30-Day OTP Challenge [5]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, and all because sherlock doesn't know how to go about snogging someone, experiment file, no seriously I almost wrote a freaking paper here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:34:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chucksauce/pseuds/chucksauce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John was as surprised as anyone that he’d actually been willing to go through with one of Sherlock’s insane experiments. Even more surprising was the fact that so many other people had been willing to play along, as well."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day 5 (Kissing) (AKA: The Kiss Test)

**Author's Note:**

> This in no way constitutes an actual research paper. If you *are* curious about this idea, please check [this paper](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21165688) out. This is where the idea came from, and from whence I borrowed heavily on the language and structure of my own crappy “paper”
> 
> Many thanks to Bitenomnom, who not only ran beta, but also told me, "The present levels of efficiency and preparedness, and the thoroughness and formality of data collection are like a really awkward amount of arousing."
> 
> So if you like some science in your experiment fics, this may be the drabble for you!

 

 

**Abstract** :

_Testosterone can be tested via saliva and has been proven to increase in heterosexual men during exposure to corresponding sexual stimuli. Currently, there is no research for similar observations among homosexual men exposed to corresponding sexual stimuli. The main purpose of this particular experiment is to quantify such data for further study._

****  
** **

John was as surprised as anyone that he’d actually been willing to go through with one of Sherlock’s insane experiments. Even more surprising was the fact that so many other people had been willing to play along, as well.

They were seated at the bar of an adult club in London; John sipped his ginger ale between participants, taking down the notations that Sherlock dictated to him.

“Participant number twenty-two, 45-year-old male; indicates a preference for active participation, and has not had any sexual contact/climax in the past week.” Sherlock leaned toward him, making certain John copied down the information on the spreadsheet correctly.

John did his best to focus on the screen and his fingers rather than the warm breath on the side of his neck. This was a difficult task, especially as he didn’t want to make any typos with Sherlock watching his screen so carefully. What would his flatmate deduce from that?

 

**Methods** :

_Researchers intend to compare existing data to data recorded during experiment to conclude whether the increase in hormone levels among homosexual versus heterosexual men varies widely given corresponding sexual stimuli. The data will be collected during visits to an unnamed adult social club (sex club)._

****  
** **

John felt ridiculously out of place in a “bar” (though a non-alcoholic one, he was assured, and he wondered frequently what good that did, all things considered), tapping away on his laptop about the activity of random blokes that were participating for a lark. Hell, most of them were lending their data for the sake of “Why the hell not,” weren’t they? Even more distracting than the incongruity of his purpose there was his awareness of all of the people around him: it honed the edges of his existence sharply, knowing that all of the visitors to this one little club were here purely for pleasure: theirs and that of their partners.

“Where did you even find this place, Sherlock?” John asked aloud finally, having been curious all night.

Sherlock raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Do you really want to know, John?” he replied enigmatically.

John thought a moment. “Yeah, you’re right. Don’t want to know.” He took a sip of his soda, and decided to change directions: “So, how many blokes are we taking data on tonight, anyhow?”

Sherlock shrugged and took a sip of his own drink. “As many as are willing to submit to testing, I suppose. Although,” and here he paused. To John it looked as though he were choosing his words with care, “should the need arise to make certain our numbers are correct, we may also have to submit to the experiment.”

John raised his eyebrows at that, and said nothing. He merely took a longer swig of his ginger ale, unsure of how to take Sherlock’s revelation.

 

_Participants will be classified as observers or actives, and further delineated by coupled versus non-coupled males (heterosexual and homosexual males in couples or heterosexual and homosexual single males). Participants will submit a saliva sample before engaging in any sexual behavior and given a short survey to verify certain data which may affect hormone levels, such as height, age, and weight, and time since last sleep cycle. After their first sexual encounter of the evening participants will submit a second saliva sample and complete a survey to verify what sexual behaviors they took part in, such as observing versus active participation, whether or not they were with their partner or an outside party in instances of sexual intercourse, and whether or not ejaculation was achieved (and how often, if applicable)._

****  
** **

Another man, this one in his late thirties and dressed on the posh end of the casual spectrum, approached them at the bar. He flashed a white-toothed smile, dimples appearing on his  cheeks. “Are you the blokes from the forum?”

Sherlock placed his drink on the counter, all business. “We are. Do you remember the procedure you’ll be performing this evening?”

The man nodded. “Sure enough. My name’s--”

Sherlock held up a hand, and the smile that he plastered to his face was one that John identified immediately as his “this is me trying to be polite, despite the fact that you are making an obviously idiotic mistake at this very moment, so please shut up and let me correct you” smile. “That won’t be necessary. You’ll be assigned a number, to prevent any bias in the data.” With that, Sherlock wrapped a blank hospital-patient-style bracelet around the man’s wrist, and penned a number across the length of it in felt-tip marker.

The man’s face fell somewhat, aware of his blunder, but he regained his smile quickly. “Right, then. So, what do we do?”

Sherlock handed him a sheet of paper and a pen. “Just a little survey. Please do be honest,” he said, his tone as dry as John had ever heard it. “We are here merely to record the results.”

“Of course,” the man said, and set to work on answering the questions. When he’d finished, he handed over the paper and pen, and asked, “Anything else?”

“A small saliva test,” Sherlock answered. “Here, swish, and spit into this cup.” He handed the man two cups; one with fresh water and an empty one for the used portion. The man followed instructions and Sherlock disposed of the used cups by handing them to the bartender, who happened to be nearby.

John bent to retrieve the collection equipment from a satchel by his feet on the floor. He produced a single paper-wrapped straw and a covered petri dish. “Just put that in your mouth, over by your cheek,” and here he paused a moment as the man opened the petri dish and the straw paper, placed the straw in his mouth. “Good, now just let the saliva flow into the dish, yes, that’s it.” Then he placed the used straw and paper in a small trash bag (also stashed by his feet), and screwed the lid onto the petri dish. “That’s it. Go enjoy your evening, and report back to us as soon as you’ve gotten done with an encounter, all right?”

 

_Samples will be immediately stored in a temperature-controlled environment until lab analysis. Additional samples may be obtained if participants are willing to submit to timed testing via predetermined sexual stimuli (in this instance, kissing partners of same and opposite gender) wherein saliva samples will be collected prior to and after stimulus, and stimulation occurs outside a given time frame (as existing research indicates the average time lapse for the dissipation of salivary testosterone levels at approximately 20 minutes.). These samples will be used to indicate the release of testosterone given sexual stimuli versus sexual preference, and may be used to further draw inferences as to the percentage of testosterone increase given variables in pre-existing factors (such as sexual preference, age, weight, height, etc.)._

****  
** **

Sherlock took the petri dish from John, labeled it with the same number he’d assigned to the man, added a letter-code beneath it, and placed it in the small drinks cooler between their feet; a small, whirling tendril of CO2 crept up from the dry ice within.

“So what’s this with us being tested too, then?” John asked warily, now that the man had disappeared back into the fray.

“Simple, John. One might assume that not all of the gentlemen who were processed at the beginning of the evening will return for us to take the secondary data. So if need be, we will be able to fill in for them. As I’m the most impartial person here, that means it may fall on you to...ah… Rise to the challenge.”

John had made the mistake of attempting a sip of his soda as Sherlock was answering his question, and therefore coughed in surprise, nearly choking on his half-flat ginger ale.

 

_Researchers expect to find that the testosterone levels of homosexual men given corresponding stimuli will, on average, increase at the same rate at which heterosexual men’s testosterone levels will elevate given corresponding stimuli. Researchers also expect to find that age will play a factor in the rate of increase, with results showing that older subjects will have lower increases than younger subjects._

****  
** **

“But why me?” John asked, still coughing away the last of his surprise.

Sherlock looked like he was trying his best not to roll his eyes. “You are within the median age-range of all the test subjects, which means I could depend on your data providing me with an excellent sample.”

 

_Test subjects were interviewed and chosen at random on January 12, 2011 at an undisclosed sex club in London (owners chose not to reveal the name of the location as part of clientele-confidentiality, despite researchers’ use of file numbers to code data collected, rather than participant names). Participants were given a short survey and then required to rinse their mouth with water before submitting passive saliva samples via straw into sterile collection containers which were then assigned with the subjects’ file code and an additional letter to indicate during which phase of testing the sample was obtained: (A) indicated control sample, (B) indicated post-sexual stimulus sample; (C) indicated same-gender partner post-kiss sample, and (D) indicated opposite-gender partner post-kiss sample (for those participants willing to submit to additional testing). All saliva samples were contained in a cooler until transferred to laboratory freezer and kept at a constant -20º C. Upon completing their first sexual encounter of the evening, subjects returned to submit their second saliva sample via the method described earlier. They were given a second questionnaire outlining the type of encounter they had, duration, and number of ejaculations during their preferred sexual encounter._

****  
** **

There was an awkward twenty-minute window during the lull between the last of the participants submitting their baseline data and the first of them returning with their post-climax data, and John used that time absently staring at the spreadsheet pulled up on his laptop, mentally preparing himself for the possibility that he’d be obliged to perform. It wasn’t so much the prospect of sex with anyone of either gender, but the idea that he’d be with a total stranger.

John Watson was many things, but a one-night-stand was not one of them.

“So what’s this last column, then?” he asked Sherlock after a long bout of silence, during which Sherlock had been tapping furiously into his phone.

“Hm?” Sherlock looked up and studied the column John was pointing to. “Ah, that’s for the last test, which will be the one most likely to have fewer volunteers.” He flashed a quick, awkward smile that reminded John of the sort of false smile he sometimes gave patients, back in his army days, when he was about to deliver bad news.

John raised his eyebrows, studying his flatmate. “What sort of testing…?” he trailed off the question, and then put his hand up. “You know, never mind. It might be worse if I know it’s coming.”

Sherlock looked back up from his phone at this, and studied John for a full minute. Then he bit his lip and inhaled, having decided on saying something, but was interrupted by the first of the post-climax participants.

“All right, sir, if you could just fill out this survey…” he said instead, handing the man the survey and a pen.

 

_Of the fifty test subjects, twenty-five (25) were homosexual and twenty-five (25) were heterosexual. Furthermore of each group consisted of thirteen (13) coupled homosexual males to twelve (12) single homosexual males, and fourteen (14) coupled heterosexual males to eleven (11) single heterosexual males._

****  
** **

By the time all of the participants reported to divulge their final data inputs, and by the time all of that data had been collected and entered into the spreadsheet, John was exhausted. Not physically, exactly: he was accustomed to chases down city streets and staying up all hours of the night due to the whims of his insomniac flatmate. John was mentally exhausted.

He’d spent the majority of his evening fighting off dread: he did not want to shag the sort of person--male or female--that frequented a sex club; despite seeing a few attractive people of either sex, his heart wasn’t in it. He’d rather be curled up on the couch opposite his flatmate watching bad telly than going through the rigor of meeting a stranger, working out their arrangement, and getting off by means of what would most likely be an awkwardly negotiated sexual encounter.

And the half of him that wasn’t filled with dread was thoroughly distracted by images of Sherlock as his test partner; it was all too easy to conjure up scenarios in which Sherlock led him to one of the private rooms, collected his saliva sample, and then proceeded to use any means necessary--hands and mouth and tongue and gorgeous arse--to get John off, then collect his post-coital sample and grin to himself as he personally entered the data.

But how likely was _that_ , really?

For half a moment, John wondered if this was all some ruse to break the we’re-just-flatmates-who-aren’t-shagging ice between them: it would be a thoroughly Sherlockian thing to do, wouldn’t it? But no: Sherlock was the one person in the history of the universe who would actually come up with an experiment such as this purely for the enjoyment of carrying out the procedures and then wrangling the results into a smarmy, self-satisfied research paper he then completely failed to submit to any journal, despite its potential usefulness to actual scientists.

“So that’s it, then?” he asked as he packed the last of the equipment into the duffle bag. Luckily it appeared as though all of the participants had successfully returned to catalogue their evenings with them, and so John was entirely ready to get home, curl up in his pyjama pants and dressing gown, and have a quiet cup of tea before passing out. He grabbed the cooler and waited for his flatmate to get his nose out of his phone.

“So it seems,” Sherlock replied, his fingers still tapping quickly at the touchscreen of said phone. He rose without once breaking eye-contact with it and followed John out into the wintry night.

 

**Results**

_Overall subjects showed an average increase consistent with findings in similar tests (limited to heterosexual males) across both test groups (heterosexual and homosexual), with lower increase levels among observers than active participants. Heterosexual male salivary testosterone levels increased by 57% in observers and 102% in active participants. Homosexual salivary testosterone levels increased by 55% in observers and 109% in active participants._

****  
** **

“Well, that was certainly an odd way to spend a Wednesday night,” John said as he returned from his bedroom in the aforementioned pyjamas and dressing gown. They had shared a silent cab and dropped off the cooler full of petri dishes with Molly at St. Bart’s before coming home, and Sherlock was now typing like a madman on John’s laptop. “And what’s wrong with yours?” John asked as he shuffled to the kitchen, not even bothering to sound in any way annoyed; the question more one of tired habit.

Sherlock didn’t bother looking up. “All the data we collected this evening is on your laptop. I’m uploading it to mine as we speak.”

John paused in his teamaking to turn and pin Sherlock with a half-amused, half-confused expression, which Sherlock dutifully ignored. “Upload it? It’s a spreadsheet. Just email it to yourself. What’re you typing?”

Sherlock shook his head. Then he scrubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand.

“You should get some rest. When was the last time you slept?” John asked. The kettle clicked off as the steam began to burble up from the spout, and John applied it to the waiting teapot.

“You’re probably right, for once,” Sherlock answered and closed the laptop decidedly. He slid it from his lap onto the couch and rose. Taking a deep breath, he announced, “Going to take you up on your advice.”

John nodded, and it occurred to him that Sherlock announcing his plans for bed were somewhat odd, but mostly he was just glad that his flatmate was actually planning on sleeping.

 

** Discussion **

_Researchers acknowledge that there many un-factored variables that could yield differences in the results. Submitting to testing within a sex club, while not as sterile and intimidating as perfect laboratory settings, would tend to skew the results more favorably as it is still not a completely naturalized setting: one attends this sort of club with sexual activity in mind, therefore raising anticipatory hormone levels before control samples can be ideally contained. Additionally, in the context of the kiss test, percentage increases may be further affected: hormone (and therefore enjoyment levels) may be increased or decreased depending on the pre-existing level of intimacy between each set of kissers, as well as by sexuality as delineated by the Kinsey scale: on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual tendencies and five being absolutely homosexual with no heterosexual tendencies and 3 being the median: true bi/pansexual with equal preference shown to either gender,  participants may find that they range on the scale and still opt to refer to themselves as either “straight” or “gay” in the binary concept. This would affect the kissing percentages as one might refer to oneself as either “straight” or “gay” but then be more likely than someone else similarly identified to enjoy a kiss from a non-corresponding partner, depending on latent tendencies not outlined at present._

****  
** **

Tea made, John piled onto the couch and decided to check his email before turning on the television. When he opened it, he found a message in his drafts folder.

Did Sherlock forget to even hit send? he wondered as he clicked the link. Within was one message without so much as a recipient listed.

 

_“To:_

_From:_

_CC:_

_BCC:_

_Subj: Salivary Test Data Spreadsheet_

 

 

_Abstract:_

****  
** **

_Testosterone can be tested via saliva and has been proven to increase in heterosexual men during exposure to corresponding sexual stimuli. Currently, there is no research for similar observations among homosexual men exposed to corresponding sexual stimuli. The main purpose of this particular experiment is to quantify such data for further study._

****  
** **

_Sod it, John. I’m tired. I’m just tired, okay?_

****  
** **

_I am quite aware of your attraction to me. I don’t know what to do about it. I have tried to initiate this conversation with you a number of times. What good would it do? You are my flatmate, and despite the obviousness of your body language, you steadfastly assert your sexuality when people mistake you for anything other than heterosexual. I even orchestrated this entire experiment as a means of giving you the opportunity to express your obviously repressed urges in a safe, non-judgemental environment, but your body language this evening suggested you wanted nothing to do with participation._

****  
** **

_Therefore I am writing an email and leaving it in your draft folder, with all certainty that at some point you will read it. You have one of two options: consider the ice broken and your invitation given, or pretend you never saw it and delete this email. If you choose to delete this message, I assure you I will operate with the sure knowledge that you prefer we remain platonic flatmates and will conduct myself accordingly. You need never mention this lapse in my judgement, and I will move on. Otherwise, I am open to suggestions. I don’t know what to do anymore, and you are the one person I trust to handle this situation with any amount of decorum no matter what you decide. I hope you appreciate, at any rate, the amount of trust I am placing in you by even daring to write this email._

****  
** **

_\--SH”_

****  
** **

John blinked slowly, and reread the email a handful of times just to make certain he’d read it correctly. He closed his laptop and sat for a full minute in stony stillness, dumbfounded. Then he opened his laptop and read the message again, his eyes lingering over certain phrases: “ _consider the ice broken and your invitation given.”_ Another conspicuously appealing one was, _“I am open to suggestions.”_

In lieu of something _other_ than friendship.

Sherlock was willing to attempt a relationship with him?

Before John could talk himself out of it, he slammed the laptop shut once more and did his best not to throw it in the floor as he jumped up from his computer and dashed the handful of steps to Sherlock’s door; he didn’t bother knocking or announcing his entrance, certain Sherlock could well deduce as much from the sound of his footsteps.

In the millisecond it took John to begin his forward motion once more, he took in several details:

Sherlock was lying on his side, facing away from the door. His body was still, but his chest was moving noticeably as though he were breathing heavily. His elbow was cocked at an awkward angle that indicated his hand was somewhere in the region of his groin.

This information bypassed John’s frontal lobe and shot straight to his hindbrain, the center of impulse and imperatives. John only barely had time to register Sherlock’s look of surprise as John lurched over the threshold, blurting, “Sherlock, the email--”

And the next thing he knew he had gone from standing in the doorway to dropping onto the edge of Sherlock’s bed, leaning over to press his mouth to that of his surprised flatmate’s, and his existence was narrowed down even further to the sensation of lips and tongues and warm, wet, heat, and _godwhydidn’tIdothissooner?_  Electricity coursed beneath his skin as he registered Sherlock overcoming the surprise of ambush, returning the kiss with enthusiasm.

Sherlock’s hands came up cup his jaw, and John found his fingers sliding easily through his flatmates curls, just as soft and warm as he’d always thought they’d be. John shifted his weight on the bed, drawing his feet up onto the mattress. Sherlock made a small noise into his mouth that sent a jolt straight to John’s groin, which was half-hard already.

John pulled back to study Sherlock’s face, and the expression he found there was enough to send a fresh surge through him: Sherlock’s hair was tousled, his lips parted and slack, his eyes wide.

“An email?” he mumbled into the scant space between them. “You set up that whole experiment--just to--”

“How _else_ would I go about it?” Sherlock interjected, cynicism coloring his tone even as a faint blush crept across his cheeks and the tops of his ears.

“I’m not saying I don’t approve,” John replied, and he flashed Sherlock a quick grin before leaning back in to kiss him again. Then he murmured against those plush lips, “I’m just saying why didn’t you do it months ago?”

 

_As such, this information could prove valuable: given the findings, further research may be conducted on the biological aspect of human sexuality, and further findings may result in a more complete picture of what it means to be human. Such information would be invaluable to researchers searching for the biological component that determines an individual’s sexual preference, frequency of encouners, and/or fluidity in identification._

 

 

_Further data_

_Two subjects (one previously assumed to be ‘heterosexual,’  though now officially designated as ‘bisexual,’ and one identifying as ‘demisexual,’) who opted to participate in the “Kiss” test submitted post-snog samples and were made to wait a period of twenty minutes for their salivary hormone levels to even out, before rinsing with water and submitting to a baseline salivary sample for comparison. Samples were then coded with their reference/file number and added to the samples to be examined by the lab._

****  
** **

_“Kiss” test results yielded further data for analysis: salivary testosterone levels increased by 85% same-gender kissing, though results may be skewed by lack of direct comparison to testosterone levels after opposite-gender kissing as well as the attraction/enjoyment inherent in coupled partners._

**  
**

As the inhabitants lay tangled in the post-coital glow of a successful experiment, John started chuckling softly to himself. 

Sherlock lifted his touseled head from John's shoulder to raise a curious, wary eyebrow. 

"Have you ever heard of the acronym, 'K-I-S-S?'" John asked, and managed to laugh even harder.

 "What does that have to do with any--" Sherlock started, before realizing exactly what had struck John as funny. "Oh."

**Author's Note:**

> I really enjoy making friends with strangers on the internet. Come by and say hi!
> 
>   * [**My Fandom Tumblr**](http://chucksauce.tumblr.com) for all manner of crying about fictional characters and laughing at shitposts
>   * **[My Fic Rec Blog](http://spoilersauce.tumblr.com)** , if you're into multifandom recs.
>   * **[Under-London](http://under-london.com/)** , the original serialized novel I'm working on for cheap-as-free!
>   * **[My Twitter](http://twitter.com/chucksauce221)** , where I basically live when I'm not writing...
> 



End file.
